So You Lost Your Friends’ Souls: A Guide to Finding them Before You Damn Your Friends to Eternal Perdition
Have you recently lost a bracelet that contained the souls of nine of your friends?
That’s an oddly specific question, but as a matter of fact, yes. Yes, I have.
Well, it looks like you’re in luck. I’m going to be your very helpful guide for today. Just you watch, we’ll find those souls in no time.
Yay, I guess?
“Yay,” indeed. Now let’s start at the beginning. You mentioned you were in possession of these souls because you don’t have one of your own.
… Actually, I don’t recall mentioning anything to you, but you’re right. I lost mine when I was a kid.
You mean you ate it.
Er. Do we really need to get into specifics?
Not really, it’s just really funny. I mean, who eats their own soul?
Hey, don’t judge me, I was four! I was very hungry and it was just there, looking all… shiny and stuff.
I thought you were here to help me find the souls I lost, not to mock me.
No, I am, you’re right. Back to business: Since you were able to see your soul, does that mean that you can also see other peoples’ souls?
Yes. Don’t ask me why, I just can.
Do you by any chance see dead people, as well?
Alright, alright, last joke, I swear. So you got your friends’ souls because…?
I recently found a way to get my soul back. I just need to collect twelve other souls and use them to create myself another one.
So you’re stealing your friends’ souls. Yeah, that doesn’t sound evil at all.
Well, I wouldn’t call it stealing. It’s more like borrowing.
I’m serious! The ritual doesn’t require me to destroy the souls; I just need to borrow a bit of their power, is all. I was going to return them as soon as I was done, zero damage inflicted. They were perfectly safe inside my bracelet.
Until you lost it.
Right. Now stop judging me and do your job. Help me find them before they’re lost for good.
Alright, chill, I’m getting there. When did you lose the bracelet?
Over the weekend. I didn’t wear it to school last Friday, so I left it where I always do.
In an impenetrable safe located inside an active volcano?
Active volcano? What the hell am I, a Bond villain?
These are nine souls we’re talking about here. Surely you weren’t stupid enough to leave them lying around your computer desk all willy-nilly.
Er–of course not. ‘Cause that would be silly and totally reckless…
That’s exactly what you did, isn’t it?
Stop judging me, it’s not like anyone knew there were souls in there.
Alright, fine, moving on. When was the last time you saw it?
On Friday morning. Since I didn’t use it, I just kind of forgot about it till Monday morning, but by then it was gone.
Alright. Where are you now?
At school. Where else would I be at 10:00 AM on a weekday?
Well, considering you just lost the souls of your friends, I’d wager that you’re not exactly the most responsible type out there.
You’re doing it again.
Right. No judging. Sorry. Can you get out of school?
Not without a reasonable excuse, I can’t.
What would be a reasonable excuse?
I don’t know, projectile vomiting?
Bingo. There’s your ticket out of school.
Yeah, except for the part where I don’t have to puke.
Come on now, it ain’t that hard. Just stick a finger down your throat and BAM! Puke time.
Are you crazy, I’m not going to make myself puke!
Aw, you’re no fun.
Yeah, well you’re no help.
Fair enough. Can you jump a fence?
I can fall off a fence.
That’s not going to be any help. You’ll attract too much attention to yourself. Hm… Is there perhaps a potentially dangerous underground tunnel no one knows about that you can use to sneak out of school?
Of course there is, but why don’t I just use my Nimbus 3000 to fly out of the school gates instead, seeing as you apparently think this is freakin’ Hogwarts.
I’m going to assume that was a “No” on the tunnel question.
Anyway, can’t you just go to the nurse and let her know how sick you’re feeling?
Since when am I feeling sick?
It’s called lying, woman.
Oh. Well, I’m a notoriously bad liar, but it’s worth a shot. Better than your other suggestions, at least.
*Five minutes later* Did it work?
Amazingly, yes. Good job.
I’d beam with pride if I wasn’t a disembodied personal advice column.
Whatever, I’m out of school already, what’s next.
I don’t know, start looking.
Start looking, really? Is that all the advice you have to offer?
Uh, well, getting you out of school is kinda as far ahead as I had planned.
*Cue death glare*
H-how are you doing that? I’m an incorporeal entity…
Stop it! C’mon, stop it already, it’s freaking me out!
Alright, alright, I’ll figure something out, just stop doing that!
Damn right you’re gonna figure something out, ‘cause if it turns out I told the nurse I was suffering from explosive diarrhea for nothing, I’ll Death Glare you to death.
Is that even possible? Never mind, don’t answer that. Just wait a second while I come up with something…
To be continued…