It’s the Final Countdown

Yeah there are finally three weeks left for high school. But I am caught in that strange place where I do not really feel anything- I do not necessarily feel as if I will be absolutely devasted because I will miss friends or will be happy to leave my friends. I have decided to approach the next step in my eduction as a long vacation.

My awkward conundrum is probably because:  I never had a break. Even during Summer going  out with friends did not exist  for me. So that is most likely why I do not feel like I am necessarily going to miss anyone, I do not know how to miss them.

Of course the decision to stay in touch with friends starts between friends but I am not really good at that. Like at all. Maybe it is because I become extremely busy while not paying attention to others around me. Although sometimes my friends do not believe me, and refrain from inviting me to events.

I usually get my friend’s comments after a few months. And they will usually give me the, “Are you really busy? You probably do not want to hang out with us.” But really I assure you that is not the case. I really do try to talk with old friends and hang out with current friends. But this past year has been very hectic.

I feel as if I finish one report/test just to have another thrown in my face right after. But this is not new, this has happened every year of my high school going life. Yeah it is a hassle. But if I complain in that teacher’s face then they will probably just assign me more work.

And I am accepting the fact that this “work after work” will carry out into University. So three weeks until the next cycle begins.

Yes. Even I have friends.

Yes. Even I have friends.

 

“Tears on My Pillow.”

 

"I need sleep, but I hate sleeping!!"

“I need sleep, but I hate sleeping!!”

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?  If you answered yes continue reading…if you said no well you too should continue and feel some sympathy for me and those who have cried themselves to sleep.

You might be wondering if I’m going through difficult times the answer is yes. But this necessarily is not about my problems. This is about how I cry myself to sleep in silence for sleep!

Honestly, I hate sleeping. I do. It impedes me from doing other things like reading, working on homework, watching movies, and such, but my “tiredness” does not let me do these things simply because sleep takes over.  But now I need more sleep because at times I find myself yawning in class and falling asleep when in reality I should be learning.

This sucks,  having to “need” to sleep. Why can’t sleep just be an option?  We should have a charger for ourselves when we are feeling “dead” we can just plug ourselves these charged batteries into us and not go to sleep and do other productive activities.

This would be  such a great idea for the future, but then we will be like robots.  Like if we weren’t robots today (we actually are) we are sort of like puppets in a way some of us are….but that’s another blog story.

Anyways at times with the help of coffee (which doesn’t even do anything to me) but I like to think it keeps me awake I avoid sleeping. Not at all times do I avoid sleeping, on my way home from school I fall asleep in my dad’s car. it is embarrassing to know that the car next to me is watching and laughing at me because I’m asleep with my mouth open wide and I probably look ridiculous. I hate when I sleep in the car not because I look funny, but because my dad thinks sleeping is an effect of smoking marijuana so at times when I’m sleeping I know he thinks I probably went to go smoke (which I did not go do).

So yes,  at night I do cry myself to sleep silently crying for help for more sleep time because school is stressing me out right now and sleep in one of the many solutions to my problems.

Sweet Sweet Melodies

Bny6DeICEAAajUT

            Every time I see a person who knows how to play an instrument quite well, fascinates me. The ability for an individual to be able to dedicate their time and effort into one thing and have a beautiful outcome from it is amazing. I enjoy watching people play musical instruments, I  trully do, whether it is personally for me, or in a show, or at school,  the sound allures and amuses my ear drums, changing my mood completely.

I slowly but surely plan to learn as many instruments as I can. Not because I want to master the skill but because every instrument is different and finding out what you can play with each, can open doors to different styles of music.

Having someone play for you and actually playing something are two distinct feelings but bring out the same outcome. The feeling of playing is life to some. I believe that once a person begins to play an instrument they begin to enjoy listening to music more and start to appreciate it as a whole.

Personally I have always been intrigued with learning how to play guitar. The first thing I did was join a guitar class at school.  I loved it so much that the following year I got guitar again with a different instructor to learn different songs and methods of playing. I have no regrets because i genuinely love it.  Because of this,  it motivated me to try something different and now I really want to learn the drums.

“Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything” – Plato

The Day You Left

20140516_134127-1I was at the mall. I was minding my own business looking for my jersey. I was so into the shirts that I never heard you say my name. I noticed you were next to me when you covered my eyes with your cold hands. I was startled and excited to see you. It had been 5 years since I’ve seen you. I always wondered where you were. I called you but you never returned my calls. I had thought you had found a better friend than me but it wasn’t that at all. I didn’t know you were in Juvenile Hall trying to better your life.

You have changed dramatically. You dyed your hair dark red. You wear to much makeup but not just a load of make up but more like chola make up. Your eyebrows seen extremely thin. You have tattoos now too. Your not the person I once shared all my emotions and secrets with. You were no longer the friend I once had.

You kept repeating your phrases over and over again like a broken record. It seemed like you were lost, like you didnt know what to say any more.

Standing in front of you and hearing you speak made me want to shed tears. I am so sorry I left you alone. I feel like I could of prevented this from happening to you. I feel like it’s my fault you are in this mess but yet again I can’t save your butt all the time. It’s your life now, all  I can do is give advice and help you.

You continued to speak about what was happening but my mind was lost. All I heard was ” I am going to rehab for 6 months.” My heart dropped to the floor. I wanted to shed tears but I didn’t.

You hugged me and left me standing there. You didn’t ask me for my number or where I  can reach you. That broke my heart even more knowing this could be the last time I ever see my best friend.

It doesn’t matter because for you I will keep going to school and do things you can’t do because I promised you  I would live life like we planned when we were younger.

This is how she left.

Should I Call or Not

20140516_131450

The only picture I have of my father before he left us alone.

His birthday is coming up. It’s this month on the 13th, I have 4 days left before I decide to call him. He’s not my boyfriend, not my cousin, not my friend, not my uncle, not my brother nor my grandpa. He’s my birth father.

He calls me for my birthday every year but that’s not enough. He left me at the age of 5, my little brother at age 2 and my mother. He got his clothes, said “I’ll be back, I’m going to wash the car,”  and never came back. I called him last year because my brother wanted to talk to him but I don’t know if I have it in me.

Have you felt this way? I mean may-be I am exaggerating on this part but if I don’t call him I’ll feel bad. Have you ever felt like somebody who has hurt you deserves to be forgiven. But if you give them you still won’t forget the part that, he/she hurt you before. It’s probably just me.

I guess I’m  just afraid of calling him and he’s busy or just doesn’t answer at all. My mother says do it and if he doesn’t answer, it’s his lost. I guess she’s right. However I feel like  if he hasn’t been in our lives for like 8 years because he wanted to cheat on my mother, and make a whole new life with someone else, he should just acknowledge that he has kids on the other side of the country.

I’ll wait to figure out if I will call him for his birthday. I will just ponder on the thought and see what comes to my mind. Most likely I’ll  call and if he answers then he answers and if  he doesn’t it’s his damn lost.

 

Venting is good for the soul

Summer is almost here! I have been anticipating this all year not because I looooooove the excruciating heat but because I finally feel like time it’s on it’s way. I will be in waiting for college but in the mean time I will be working, exploring the world I imagined to see as a young girl.

Many teens might not believe going out and exploring different shops or shows or even getting to know the different community services that are out there is something to be excited about but I just cannot wait for the opportunity. At the moment I cannot work but when summer rolls in I will have a sweet spot in an paid internship. Exploring the world is so much better when you have cash,  or at least some really comfy shoes.

happy and carefree

happy and carefree

Yup,  the future seems bright , so bright that at the moment I cannot help  but feel like my high school life seems dull. I am over the people, the drama,  and petty talks bore me. I can’t help but to also think about that one day I am going to regret not taking advantage of my last few weeks in school. I also spend a lot of time contemplating if I care enough to enjoy the moments. I find it rather sad actually , but I mean in my busy schedule not caring about certain things has saved me time to do things I actually care about.  Well I don’t know what my future holds but I know that someday , somewhere I will probably not remember this ongoing rant.

Newborn Pups

Why is it that homeless dogs always come to us for help?

One of the pups.

One of the pups that I had to screenshot from my cousin’s instagram since I had no pics.

I live next to an alley and every year that passes by a new dog is added into our family. I don’t know how and why they come to us. They just come and they don’t want to leave so we decide to adopt them. A new member(s) was added  this year.

Her name is China. She came to us when she was in need. She was so hungry and dirty. She could barely walk. You could already see her ribs sticking out. Her face was covered in sadness. We felt so bad so we kept her. By we I mean my family and my cousin’s family who lives in back of us.

As time passed by, we fed her, washed her, played with her, and gave her a home. Every time we showered her, her face was full with appreciation. I feel as if, if only we would not have took her in then she would have died. I think that she feels that way too.

Few weeks passed and we noticed that her appetite started growing and her tummy with it. At first we all thought she was getting fat but no she was pregnant. My mom was mad. She said,”What are we going to do with all these puppies?”  I told her that we should just wait for this conversation  until she had them.

Every month that passed her stomach was getting bigger and bigger.  Then one day she was acting so strange. She was so happy. The next day, I was at my cousin’s house waiting for her since we walk together and my uncle said,”Everyone come! She already had her babies!” We all ran and saw 1 no 2 no SEVEN PUPPIES.

Sunny Days

photo

To make the spring heat better why not eat a fresh shrimp dish!

My blogs are usually about things going on in my everyday life that make me miserable. This is because when I am at my worst I become vulnerable and highly emotional. The best way to release the pressure of all the crazy thoughts and emotions is by writing them down. Ultimately, life is a roller-coaster ride and sometimes it gets hard to manage everything.

However, today I feel like writing about the beautiful, bright, blue sky. Take the time to look out the window before sunset and admire its beauty. The fresh air hits your face and makes you feel so relaxed by the end of the day. You know what scratch that, DO NOT ONLY LOOK OUT THE WINDOW! You should really plan a day out with whoever you want whether it would be with a boyfriend, a friend, a parent, or any siblings.

The sky is just too beautiful to take for granted. All the interesting shapes that clouds make standing out over the baby blue sky. It is truly worth hanging out outside. Quit the laziness, put your consoles in your closet and enjoy the outdoors. The rainy days are over and the extremely hot days are all a blur. All you see now are the breezy sunny days that make life seem much more easier.

Sometimes all you need is a break and what better day to take it than in one where the Los Angeles weather truly shines. I hope nothing but better days for all we all need it and no matter what we all deserve it.

Stuck at a crossroad

Snapchat-20140419042819

Me at 5 years old.

 

Ever felt like life is getting too overwhelming and you have no idea what to do anymore? That’s exactly how I’m feeling. In the past month life has continued to throw all sorts of obstacles in my path causing me to continuously stop and sometimes fall. How can my life seem like a piece of cake and then suddenly turn rotten?

I’ve gone through a new break up, losing friends, and my grandfather passing away. I have slowly began to pick myself up bit by bit and I am  making my best effort to stay happy. Just as I was feeling a whole lot better about my recent break up, my grandfather passed away and sent me back to square one.

Now my life seems like a haze and I feel like I cannot really rely on my judgement. I am trying to keep myself together but I feel like at any moment now it can all just shatter. All I am filled with is ton of regret and anger towards myself.

I feel so ungrateful and selfish for never paying enough attention to my grandfather. I should have called him more often and told him how much I love him. But instead I put silly things before him such as boyfriends, friends, and school activities. I never bothered to continuously give him the time of day and now all I am left with is sadness.

Why didn’t I show him how much I love him? Why did I let everything else matter and not my grandpa? It makes me feel like I am nothing but a bad granddaughter.

Life has continued to be a haze and I continue to feel so lost. Will I ever find peace? Is it possible to have  one moment where I will be able to have a steadily happy life? All I truly desire is happiness. You know, that very carefree feeling you used to feel when you were a child? It would be very nice to finally get that back.

From Fair to Fair

photo-7

When the sun is gone, all you wanna do is frown.

Things look so beautiful, seem to go from fair to fair, but then it strikes you where it hurts the most. You think life will always be sunny, then comes the storm and hinders your bright view. However, that is okay because at the end, the harsh winds teach you a harsh lesson that makes the sun come out again. Then again, you come across the beauty of living.

One thing to remember through the ride  is your unique, secure value. Only you know what your worth so let it be known by neglecting those who try to put a cheap price on you. For instance, if someone says a degrading comment, tell them to stop. Your voice is your greatest weapon, so use it.

Through whatever situation, every event, the best thing you can do is hold your ground. Remember every event will change you, make you someone new, but one thing that will stay with you is your value and your voice, if you want it to. No one can control your actions, but you. No one can tell you what you deserve or what you should take, but you.

Always do what makes you happy and what you think is best for you. Do not challenge the mishaps in your life, let them go on because those are the crucial moments in which you grow knowledge of yourself. Pay attention to everyone’s reaction, that is when you find who your true friends are. Do not doubt your gut or believe what you hear, only you know what is best for you.

The staff blog for the Roosevelt High School newspaper in Los Angeles.